Raw, adjective: 2. not having undergone processes of preparing, dressing, finishing, refining, or manufacture

PET PEEVE: Overplucked Eyebrows

Who went and decided that looking like the kind of fake porcelain doll you buy at some shady corner shop in Chinatown is hot? Everywhere I turn these days - sitting on the bus, walking through a shop, chatting with someone at Jamba Juice waiting for my wheatgrass - I'm bombarded with these plastic-looking ladies whose anorexic eyebrows are screaming, heartbreakingly, in these teeny-tiny little voices that barely squeal out: "FEED ME!!!"

Jesus Christ. Seriously. I have never understood this. I remember being a little girl and getting Christmas pictures from families we knew once December 1st hit and staring with odd wonder and disgust at the grotesquely bizarre middle-aged women who had completely obliterated their eyebrows and drawn in little pencil line things. Really? Who went and said that's attractive?

I mean, what is more fucking vain than standing in front of a mirror plucking your eyebrows out every week? This, for me, is right up there with frying yourself up in tanning beds at the top of the Vanity List. There are children starving in Ethiopia and the planet's going to shit and you're wasting minutes a day, hours a year, shaping your fucking eyebrows?!?? I just don't get it. And the weirdest part is, they look SO BAD when overdone, which is how they usually are. No better way to say: I AM FAKE. I AM ARTIFICIAL. CHECK OUT MY FAKE-ASS EYEBROWS THAT I WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT I SPENT AN HOUR STANDING TWO INCHES FROM THE MIRROR PLUCKING THEM OUT ONE BY ONE.

I know I can be plenty girly and I do rather enjoy doing so, I'll admit; the big dresses and the red toenails and shit, oh yeah. But jesus. I don't understand the aesthetics. "Beautiful" to me is Elizabeth Taylor, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Audrey Hepburn, Greta Garbo; "beautiful" is not Tammy Faye Bakker, rest her tired and recently deceased soul. Because when I talk with one of these overplucked women, all I can think about is how fake she looks and how sad it is that just talking to her I know so much about how she spends her time. Plucking strays here and there, sure, no probs, I get that; but seriously? These beauty-queen brows are so cold and dead-looking. A total turn-off.

And, of course, another opportunity to make a buck. Check out Nu-Brow. Fucking REMOVABLE EYEBROWS. Unbelievable. www.nu-brow.com

I'm gonna go cry now. Or vomit. Or maybe both.


Anonymous said…
Fear not, for when the overplucked realize it actually looks terrible, there are eyebrow transplants. Yes, you have to trim the hair often WITH A SCISSOR because it is hair from your head, but a small price to pay to repair those sadly damaged follicles...no?

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